Why are you looking at me? I'm not here . . . I said I'm not here. Seriously, get away from me.
If you, or any member of your team are caught or killed, don’t come cryin’ to ME. . .
Are you standing still, reading this label in a public place? For Pity's sake! Keep moving! Purchase the bottle, exit from the rear of the store and get to your 'safe house'. Go . . . GO...LEAVE NOW !!
Now then... These supplements are a vital part of your personalized operational field kit. They will make you immune to stab wounds, head trauma, tumbles from speeding cars and broken ribs. On rare occasions they will enable you to walk in slow-motion with a billowing petrol explosion behind you. Take only one dose per day and don’t forget to wipe the bottle of your fingerprints before you set it down! Here are John Smith's Super Spy Tips and Directives for This Month :
001 Stop blurting out your real, full name to every concierge, valet, ticket taker or hot dog vendor you meet. You may as well rent space on a roadside billboard and put up your sealed orders and mission objectives. Not even NORMAL people go around telling everyone their full name, what's the MATTER with you?
002 Stop ordering your favorite "signature drink" everywhere you go. If you want to 'Shake' rather than 'Stir', go ride a bike on a bumpy road. Also, why do you INSIST on carrying a weapon that has Pee Pee as part of its name? I mean . . .really.
© 2015 www.antipills.com - This Novelty/Entertainment container was sold empty. Do not ingest any contents, edible or otherwise, unless you placed it in here yourself!
A DULL SPY IS A HAPPY ( AND BREATHING ) SPY!
003 If you are ever invited by Doctor Von Evil Head to a Grand Opening, a Formal Dinner, a Concert, or a Pool Party . . . DO NOT GO. He wants to murder you, he just doesn’t want to pay the cab fare.
004 There are NO cyanide capsules in this bottle. Any operative who voluntarily ingests a deadly poison is a highly-strung delusional idiot who has stepped into "Hollywood Land". If you have been compromised and need to be liquidated, then return to headquarters and WE will do it.
005 Neither this Label nor Bottle will self-destruct. How the hell could I issue these pills if they did that?
I don't know what you're talking about. I did not take a SINGLE DOSE of anything. Who is this “John Smith” you keep mentioning? For that matter who are YOU? Wait a minute..what’s MY name? - Satisfied Customer
006 When communicating over open channels, do not use CODE IDENTITIES like "Cutsey Kitten", "Sugar Lips" or "Honey Suckle Delicioso McTastey Kiss". Just DON’T. Keep that up and you'll be sucking in more knock-out gas than the legendary Number 6. We don’t expect you to DIE, we expect you to TALK . . just . . .not like THAT.
007 Remember that a spy keeps a low profile. If you are going to drive like a maniac, punch faces, set off explosives, discharge all manner of firearms, break into buildings, and have sex every night, then drop your espionage career and go back to High School where such behavior won't be noticed.