I predict a mate in four moves! . . . And Not THAT kind of "mate" buster !
Choosy Chess Champions Chomp Chummer's !
Lay off that pawn! Never mind the Knight! Picking up this bottle is your BEST opening move! What can Chelsy's Champion Chess Chews do for Your game? Only IMPROVE your skill by 1 Trillion, Billion Percent!!! Your Queen will CRUSH! Your Knights will Annihilate! Your Bishops will BASH! You Rooks will WRECK! Your Pawns will Pound! Even your King Will Kick Keester! This ain't just "Chewing Gum" Friend! It's a Miraculous Mind Medicine that will sharpen your Focus to a razor's edge! You will BLAST your opponents off the board! You will accurately envision the last four moves of ANY game just by looking at your challenger's mother's socks!
Every Chummer's Chew is PACKED with her patented, super-secret "Sizzling-Sixty-Four" formula! This Hyper-Cryptic mixture is so complex, we can reveal without risk that its ingredients include: Shredded paper from the game diaries of Morphy, Capablanca, Steinitz and Lasker! Rain water soaked from the concrete chess boards in Central Park, Manhattan! Candle wax from the Schachgesellschaft Zürich and . . . the ancient, powdered corpses of ACTUAL Kings, Queens, Bishops, Knights and Soldiers!!! *
* Names withheld out of respect to their descendants.
© 2016 www.antipills.com - This Novelty/Entertainment container was sold empty.
Do not ingest any contents, edible or otherwise, unless you placed it in here yourself!
You Know the Rules. You Know Your Opponents.
Go Thou Brave Chewers and Break BOTH !!
Remember! You can’t control the center of the board without controlling your adversary’s MIND! Here are this month’s distraction tips from Chelsy Herself!: Sit down to play with thin strips of rubber makeup glued to your face. Peel them off as the game progresses. If you can manage a false nose even better! Tear that off with a shriek of agony if a major piece is captured. - Keep your arms and upper body perfectly still. Below the table, dance on pointe ballerina style, and do pelvic thrusts. Peel your lips back and grin ape-like between moves.
"I took only a SINGLE DOSE of Chelsy Chummers’s Champion Chess Chews and I was FINALLY able to defeat my son!. Now maybe he won’t be so self-satisfied and smug when he enters Kindergarten
next year." - Satisfied Customer
Practice Castling while blindfolded. When you castle during the game, gaze off into the distance and mutter in a slow trance-like voice "Yes Majesty". Clean your side of the clock-timer with germicide at the start of the game. After making each move, press the re-set button with your tongue. Name EACH of your pawns. Lisa, Gary, Robin etc. Praise them as they defend. Mourn them loudly by name when they are slain and stare daggers at your opponent. NEXT MONTH: "Using ventriloquism to make your rooks fart when they move."