{"id":421,"date":"2015-10-18T17:17:08","date_gmt":"2015-10-18T21:17:08","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/antipills.com\/index.php\/the-bottles\/lady-heathertons-tincture-of-strumpet-2\/"},"modified":"2020-04-06T13:01:21","modified_gmt":"2020-04-06T17:01:21","slug":"lydia-landsingers-luck-loaded-lozenges-2","status":"publish","type":"page","link":"https:\/\/antipills.com\/index.php\/empty-medicine-jars-with-detailed-satirical-labels\/lydia-landsingers-luck-loaded-lozenges-2\/","title":{"rendered":"Lydia Landsinger’s “Luck Loaded Lozenges”"},"content":{"rendered":"

Grab Dame Fortune by her face and shake it ! . . . Then use your free hand to go through her pockets!<\/p>\n<\/div><\/div><\/div><\/div>

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The fault lies not in ourselves, but In our stars! We're Blameless!<\/h4>\n

Do you think \"Luck\" is a myth? A flight of whimsy? A quaint joke? How WRONG you are my friend! Luck is as real as the science of Mathematics and Atoms! Luck is PROVEN DAILY by the Iron-Clad Laws of probability and averages! Are YOU at the mercy of this well proven cosmic force? Then stop being a pathetic, dismal, drowning, dimwit! Buy my pills and FEEL the Wheels of Fortune rolling you to happiness!
\u00a0 Walk under every ladder !\u00a0 Spill salt by the barrel !\u00a0 Skip past PLATOONS of black cats! Schedule aeroplane rides on Friday the 13th and smash 20 mirrors before breakfast !\u00a0 With regular doses of my lozenges, you can laugh raucously at the misfortune of others, tinkle on Tarot cards and grin blissfully as you use your printed horoscope for toilet tissue !<\/p>\n

Throw away your horseshoe, rabbit's foot, four leaf clover and Saint Caliban* Medal!<\/h4>\n

Every chart, table or scale that lays out the cold numbers of a cruel universe has a\u00a0 HIGH and\u00a0 LOW end. That is a rock-solid FACT my friend!\u00a0 Since LUCK can be measured by those very same numbers, it follows SCIENTIFICALLY that it can be manipulated and changed to suit your will! These Lozenges will do that VERY THING! After YEARS of having my cookies crumbled, I was finally fed up with getting a faceful of \u201closing streak\u201d. I got myself a choke hold on \u201c\"Lady Luck\"\u201d and made that rancid, fickle COW dance to MY tune!! Now, You can too!<\/p>\n

* Somebody sold one to me long ago when I was a child. I had no idea then that there was no such saint and you wouldn't have either . . . so . . . shut up.<\/h6>\n

\u00a0\u00a9 2015 www.antipills.com - This Novelty\/Entertainment<\/strong>
container was sold empty. Do not ingest any contents, edible or<\/strong>
otherwise, unless you placed it in here yourself!<\/strong><\/p>\n<\/div><\/div><\/div>

Packed With Activated Positivium Particles!<\/h4>\n

Dodge The Long Arm of the Law of Averages! Cruise through your Luck Loaded Life and witness the random FOLLY of those poor suckers who NEVER found my remedy! See one man buy a lottery ticket and strike it RICH, while another simply loses his dime and gets a paper cut. Watch little sister speed along safely on her scooter, just as junior stops to tie his shoe and gets smashed into the pavement by a falling piano. Observe one woman dancing at the ball with a handsome prince, as another gets trampled by horses and pee'ed on by chimpanzees. Buy These Lozenges!\u00a0 AVOID THE FREAKISH, FATAL FATE of FORTUNE'S FOOLS !!<\/p>\n

\"I took only a SINGLE\u00a0 DOSE of Lydia Landsinger's Luck Loaded Lozenges. I went to a casino and won THOUSANDS of Dollars!! Then my wife Daisy won it all from me in a game of gin rummy and put it in the bank . . . so . . . I guess\u00a0 . . .she took TWO doses.\" - Satisfied Customer<\/strong><\/em><\/p>\n

IN CASE OF OVERDOSE: Too many lozenges may cause homicidal jealousy among those in your closest circles, along with positivium particle swelling in your uvula. (Yes. I said it . . . Uvula. ) Take a teaspoon of apple-cider-vinegar, lock yourself in a room and read \u201c\"Alice In Wonderland\"\u201d until the swelling goes down and your friends and family no longer wish to kill you.( \u2018Better bring a copy of \u201c\"Moby Dick\"\u201d as well.)<\/p>\n

A Platinum Karma-Whacking Wrench In Every Dose!<\/h5>\n<\/div><\/div><\/div><\/div>
<\/div><\/div><\/div>","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Grab Dame Fortune by her face and shake it ! . . . 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